So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
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