Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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