She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
