My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
