I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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