If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
jump out the window naked night went bad
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