I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
