i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Randomize