Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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