Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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