It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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