I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
