Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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