I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
