and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
