I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
