he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
