hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
The Olympian is in my bed
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
