Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
