Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
