I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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