I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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