so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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