fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
