oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
