just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
