she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
