So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
