Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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