If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Randomize
