the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
