Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
