fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
