I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
