I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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