I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
