OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
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