ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
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