I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
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