herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
