A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
