I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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