She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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