I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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