You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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