my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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