I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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