It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize