just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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