I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
