Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
