You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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