i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
