Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Randomize
