i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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