I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize