Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Randomize
