i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize