Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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