she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
