Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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