If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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