sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
The beer is more important than you right now.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
