i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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