Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
