Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
