Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
We smell like vodka and hangover
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